#ivf, Infertility fertility women, Life, Uncategorized

Whoopdy-fucking-do

Day one of period number 483 has arrived. Okay, period 18 but it certainly feels like I’m close to 500. I’m so pissed off. Fuming. LIVID even. I’m not even upset. I’m just super annoyed.

Here’s the thing. I’m lazy. Naturally, I was just born that way. No judgment please, I can’t help it. I will always try to find an easier way to do things because effort is something I’m not particularly interested in. I’m a precious flower and I don’t want to exert myself any more than is necessary. So, on the rare occasions where I do have to put effort into something, it better not be for damn nothing. Except with ttc, it is.

Last cycle, I thought I was on the ball. I was fresh from my HyCoSy. The thing everyone raves about and says helped them get pregnant after trying for so long. Stupid old me thought, hey, maybe I’ll be one of those people! A success story, a triumph over the infertility gods. I could tell my story to thousands of women so they could feel as hopeful as I did. My last period was marginally better than all of my previous ones as I actually had to put my mooncup BACK IN on day 3. I got actually ewcm for the first time since having my implant out. I got that opk that was so blazing, it could have been used on runways to guide in planes. And we put in SO much effort. I mean, way more than we have before. Then during my tww, I started getting these crazy cramps in my right ovary. Really strong ones that lasted for most of the day. I was sat about the house feeling a teeny bit excited. Allowing a bit of hope to creep up over me. Silly, I know, hope is pointless. But I couldn’t help it. Aaaaaaaaaaand yet here we are again with the disappointment.

I feel like it’s just such a waste of time. Screw the doctors who keep telling me “you’ve been pregnant naturally before so it will happen” will it?! How much are we betting on that? Because I’ll bet £6000 that it won’t and when it doesn’t, that £6000 you give me is what I’ll use towards IVF. So anyway, I’m pissed that all that effort and everything has gone to waste. Again. Why can’t I just be one of those people who smokes crack and only has 3 teeth and has never worked a day in their lives because they don’t let you take heroin breaks at Tesco? Because they can get pregnant at the drop of a hat (pants). If was a drug addict, an alcoholic, liked smoking whilst pregnant, was a child abuser, someone who dumps their kids with family so they can go and get wasted every weekend, was a murderer even, then I’d get pregnant no problem. But because I don’t smoke, rarely drink (lol honestly I don’t) I work hard, I have a nice home, I’m a nice person sometimes and all I want to do is complete my family, I can’t. Like, I’m not even asking for hordes of babies, just one more will do.

I even started looking into adoption this week. I had a dream. Or an epiphany, if you will. I dreamt we adopted a little girl who was a few years younger than my daughter and they became the best of friends and she was the nicest kid and we were all one big happy family. My daughter hates babies. She’s almost ten. Maybe adopting an older child would make sense. But then I remembered I live in a two bedroom house and so nobody would agree to let us adopt a kid because they need to have a room of their own. So not only am I barren but I’m not even allowed to take in an unwanted child. It’s getting more likely that I will end up having to get a dog. Or 40 cats.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at right now. Super un-hopeful, awaiting the inevitable period cramps that will ruin my weekend. My boyfriend is currently snoring so loud that I actually might commit murder which in turn may be a good thing fertility-wise. I won’t need him because criminals can get pregnant via immaculate conception. I assume it must be something like that considering the rate that they push those babies out.

Bex

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