Christ, I’ve been a bit lax with the ole blog lately. To be fair, my life is pretty boring at the moment. I’m a week into my tww and pretending to myself that I’m not a neurotic basket-case that is massively overthinking everything at this point. I am a calm, serene normal person. Promise.
I’ve been looking into IVF clinics this week. Okay, maybe not the mark of someone claiming to be calm and serene, but there’s no point in pissing about. I have to look some time. Bloody hell though, IVF is expensive isn’t it?! To stay with the fertility clinic we’ve been going to, it’ll cost about £6000 (yes, that’s THREE zeros) for one cycle. Six grand. Or approximately one kidney, half my right arm and a years supply of Kit Kats. I currently have 59p in my bank account so I’m not feeling too hopeful that getting that kind of money is realistic right now. Or ever.
I came across a place in London that does an IVF package for £2500. Now yes, for someone who is surviving until next pay day on less than 60p, £2500 is a bit steep as well but it’s also almost £4000 cheaper and let’s face it, everyone loves a bargain. I’ve heard nothing but high praise from people who have been there for IVF themselves so I’m putting this down as option number one. I say number one, it’s our only option because we haven’t yet won the lottery (actually playing the lottery might help to be fair). So I’m thinking of trying for another two months and being totally honest, I’m not going to miraculously get up-duffed then seeing as it’s already been forever with no up-duffing. Then a nice chilled out summer and then we can get in touch with that clinic for a consultation and somehow find £2500 and pray to every single deity in pretend-existence that it all works first time. Cause I ain’t got the cash for round two. We haven’t even got it for round one tbh.
I’m still attempting to get my head around this whole unexplained thing. Have you ever watched a tv show and you were SUPER into it and you kept watching and watching every episode religiously and then when you get to the finale, the ending is a really shit and disappointing cliffhanger and you’re just sat there as the credits roll like “wtf was that? Was that the ending? SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS!!” Well, that’s kind of like unexplained infertility. Investing all your time and energy into ttc. Watching it play out month-by-month. Getting fully engrossed by having a bunch of tests done, waiting to see what happens in the end and them BOOM. You will never know what the problem is because nobody can find anything and you’re just like, well great. All this effort and for what? A bloody cliffhanger? Thanks a lot. It’s like, Blocked tubes? We’ll try and clear that for you! Fibroids getting in the way?Let’s get those out! No ovulation? No problem! Here’s some clomid! Unexplained infertility? Lol good luck.
I dunno, I guess I’m just a little annoyed because I like a conclusion. A nice little summary. But there’s no conclusion. It’s an open-ending where you’re stuck still not having a damn clue why your body won’t do the thing. I fully regret ever getting the implant put in now because it seems I didn’t even need it anyway, my uterus is its own contraceptive. Plus it made me fat and angry so there was literally no point in it at all. I’m never going back on contraception again for the rest of my goddamn life even if by some miracle sent from the Heavens above I was able to have another baby. Hormonal contraception is the devil. I mean yeah if you don’t want a kid, fine, but I have never been such a lardy, over-emotional piece of shit than I was when I was on the implant. I’m considering writing to Stephen King to get him to write a book based on a woman on Nexplanon because that’s real horror.
Anyway I’ve waffled enough. I was so desperate for a lie-in this morning as I’ve been so tired this week but instead, my brain decided to wake me up at 7am and not allow me to fall back asleep. I honestly don’t know what I’ve done to my body to make it hate me so much.